Thursday, October 30, 2008

You’ll want to cry foul *slapknee*

Best told to a group of 8- to 12-year-old boys.


This here is wisdom, Californians:

Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. To stomp out burning ducks.


With apologies to the Warcraftians in the audience:

A duck walks into a drug store and says, “Give me some chap-stick, and put it on my bill.”


A duck walks into a office supply store and asks a clerk, “Excuse me. Do you have any grapes?” The woman looks at the duck and says, “Of course not.” The duck says, “OK, thank you,” and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns the the store. Again he asks the clerk, “Excuse me. Do you have any grapes?” She grumbles, “I told you yesterday, no grapes.” The duck says, “OK, thank you,” and leaves.

The duck continues this trend for a few more days until the clerk explodes in a fit of anger. “Listen, buddy! We didn’t have grapes yesterday. We don’t have grapes today. We will never. Have. Grapes! If you ever ask me if we have grapes again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor and your beak to the wall, and we’ll see how much you like that!” The duck says, “OK, thank you,” and leaves.

The clerk is relieved but wary when the duck doesn’t come the next day. The day after that, she starts to relax. And by the third day, she’d almost forgotten about the silly bird. The fourth day, though, the duck walks in, and the clerk’s blood starts to boil. “Excuse me,” the duck says. “Do you have any nails?” The clerk is immediately puzzled. “What? No, why?” she asks. “Great,” says the duck. “Do you have any grapes?”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Little Johnny Strikes Again!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little John ny raised his hand.. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little John ny before. She finally decided there was no way hecould damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. John ny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fake turds

About a year ago, my flatmate bought an expensive coffee-making machine from Starbucks. While this machine made excellent coffee, it also left a wet brown residue that could easily be mistaken for crap in the correct context. We decided it was our job to create this context, and test the results on our other flatmate Steven. So we got a piece of bogroll, wiped the inside of the coffee-maker with it, left the shitty-looking paper lying on the floor beside the toilet. For added effect, we tipped the remaining contents of the coffee-maker into the toilet, with the effect that it looked like someone had had explosive diarrhoeah. It would seem that Steven saw nothing unusual in dropping shitty bogroll on the floor, however, since he merely flushed it away without passing comment.